I was thinking it's interesting how some people end up together as a couple and the various factors involved. Sometimes to me it seems, that people just become comfortable with each other for some reason or another, or one person is being persistent or clingy or obsessive to get the relationship started and to keep the relationship (which may borderline narcissistic aspects). Or some feel desperate, or some just end up settling.. I find id puzzling some of the life affecting decision people make in choosing whom they allow into their lives. I can go on an on, but is there any detailed information on this mysterious element of human nature?

ChatGPT 5.2 said:

Yeah — it is kind of wild when you step back and realize that “who you end up with” can shape your entire life, and yet the path to that choice is often messy, emotional, and not very logical.

Here’s the less-mystical (but still fascinating) way psychologists and relationship researchers tend to explain it. It’s not one “element.” It’s a stack of forces that push people together, and sometimes those forces have almost nothing to do with long-term compatibility.

1) Familiarity and convenience are more powerful than people admit

A huge amount of coupling is basically: proximity + repeated exposure + timing.

• People fall for who they see often (school, work, neighborhood, friend groups).
• Repeated exposure can increase comfort and perceived attractiveness (“mere exposure effect”).
• Convenience reduces the friction of starting and maintaining a relationship.

This is why a “meh” connection can turn into a relationship: it’s easier to keep walking down the path you’re already on than to start over.

2) Attachment styles: the “magnet patterns”

A lot of what you described (clingy/persistent, settling, staying in bad dynamics) maps cleanly onto attachment theory:

• Anxious attachment: fears abandonment → pursues, clings, overthinks, tolerates crumbs.
• Avoidant attachment: fears being trapped/controlled → withdraws, minimizes needs, keeps distance.
• Secure attachment: can be close and independent → healthier pacing, clearer communication.

Anxious + avoidant pairings are common because they can feel intensely compelling at first (chasing/withholding creates emotional spikes), even though they’re often unstable long-term.

3) The “reward schedule” that hooks people (intermittent reinforcement)

One of the strongest bonding mechanisms isn’t romance — it’s unpredictable rewards:

• If affection comes and goes, the brain can get stuck in a loop: “If I just do it right, I’ll get the good version of them back.”
• This is the same basic learning pattern that makes gambling addictive.

So yes: persistence, obsession, and on/off affection can “work” to start and maintain relationships — not because it’s healthy, but because it’s neurologically sticky.

4) Self-esteem and identity needs

People don’t only choose partners — they choose how they want to feel about themselves.
Common “hidden job descriptions” people hire a partner for:

• “Make me feel worthy / chosen.”
• “Make my life stable.”
• “Confirm I’m lovable / desirable.”
• “Give me status or safety.”
• “Help me not be alone with myself.”

If someone’s self-worth is shaky, they may accept a relationship that’s “good enough” because it stabilizes their identity, even if it limits their life.

5) Social pressure and scripts

A lot of people are following a script they didn’t consciously pick:

• Family expectations, religion, culture, “don’t be too picky,” fear of being left behind.
• The sunk cost fallacy (“we’ve been together 6 years…”).
• Shared friend groups, kids, housing, money — leaving becomes expensive and disruptive.

“Settling” often isn’t a single choice — it’s a series of small choices where the exit costs keep rising.

6) People confuse intensity with compatibility

Early intensity can come from:

• novelty
• sex/chemistry
• unresolved attachment patterns
• drama cycles
• insecurity and pursuit

Compatibility is more like:

• reliability
• kindness under stress
• aligned values and lifestyle
• repair after conflict
• emotional safety

A lot of couples form from the first list and hope it turns into the second.

7) Dark personality traits can be effective short-term

You mentioned narcissistic-ish behavior. Some traits associated with narcissism can initially look like confidence, charm, certainty, pursuit. That can be intoxicating — especially to someone who’s lonely, anxious, or craving validation.

The trap is that what looks like “certainty” early can later become control, entitlement, or emotional inconsistency.

8) Timing is the silent kingmaker

Two decent people can fail because timing is wrong (stress, grief, career chaos). Two mismatched people can last because timing is “right” (both ready to settle, both afraid to start over).

Timing doesn’t create compatibility, but it can absolutely create commitment.

So what’s the “mysterious element”?

If you want one phrase that captures it: humans often choose partners based on emotional regulation needs and familiar patterns, not long-term fit.

People tend to pick:

• what feels familiar (even if it’s unhealthy),
• what reduces anxiety fastest,
• what fits their identity story,
• what’s available at the right time,
• what they can get without risking rejection.

That’s not romantic, but it explains a lot.

A practical way to think about it (fast filter)

When you’re looking at a couple and thinking “why are they together?”, ask:

1. What need does this relationship meet for each person? (security, validation, status, caretaking, not being alone)
2. What fear does it protect them from? (abandonment, rejection, failure, vulnerability)
3. What pattern from childhood does it resemble? (attachment dynamics)
4. What are the costs of leaving? (money, pride, time, social network)
5. Is the bond based on consistency or on emotional spikes?

Those five questions usually turn the “mystery” into a readable pattern.

If you want, tell me a specific scenario you’ve seen (even anonymously: ages, how they got together, what looks odd about it). I’ll break it down using the framework above and point to the most likely forces at play.

You said:

make a pintrest style infographic that reflects what you just told me. Your response was brilliant and answered my question.